On my way to work this morning I was hit by a large, black 4x4. When I say hit, I mean I had a very lucky escape - the driver saw me and was braking so, whilst there was impact, I wasn't hurt. I was crossing the road and the land rover turned out of a side street onto the wrong side of the road - one moment I was looking left and crossing the road, the next I was turning to face a black charger, intent on running me down - I felt like a complete victim.
Two thoughts, almost concurrent, well actually, a thought and a feeling. While my mind was trying to work out whether I would go up and over the bonnet or under the wheels - thankfully it turned out to be neither, my heart sank like a lead plumb line. I felt incredibly, desperately sad. I didn't want to go and leave my family behind. I wanted to stay and not be rubbed out by a yummy mummy dropping her kids off to school. My first gut reaction when I realised that I was possibly not long for this world was how wrong that would be and how I didn't want to leave my husband behind. Once I opened my eyes and realised that I'd survived the impact unscathed, made it to the pavement and assured the red-lipsticked driver that I was alright, I felt a sob in my chest. By the time I'd made it back to my front door I was in full floods of tears.
I'm thankful really. After dad killed himself, I sometimes had what are generally termed as "dark thoughts about suicide". Lets face it, what that really means is - my parent killed him/herself and now I'm scared shitless that I'm going to do the same thing... Parents are supposed to lead the way into adult life. Ideally they would lead us to a happy, positive future. Not to the dark, soulless box of suicide. I don't know if we should quantify our lives by how much we have to live for because it seems to be more about a desire to live, full stop. It doesn't matter how many or how few things tie you to life, in the end, either you want to live life, or you don't. And I know for sure that I for one intend to keep on living for as long as I can.
