Pages

Wednesday 21 March 2007

6 Nervous Energy

So...
I did my usual thing of starting something with much energy and then the doubts started to creep in and I froze to the spot. Which is why there has been nothing new on this page for well over a month. Who am I to think that I can help anyone else? What the hell do I know? Etcetera, etcetera.
I almost deleted my blog, feeling it was selfish and wrong. But luckily in the meantime one or two people who are also struggling to find their way through the fallout of a suicide had left comments, which reminded me that:
a. This is for me and that's OK because it will also speak to anyone who is looking for it.
b. There is such a dearth of support and information in everyday life for survivors of bereavement by suicide that any tiny drop in the ocean has to be good.
It is a nervous kind of energy that has, for the most part, kept me going, kept me moving forwards even when it feels like going backwards, or just stuck. But the problem with living on your nerves is that it's very tiring and can make you ill. I was discussing this with my friend M and she asked me what I'd do if she could wave a magic wand and this nervous energy could just disappear... what would it feel like?
The thought was quite scary actually - what would fill that hole? All these things that I do to keep myself occupied, busy, propelled forwards in some kind of motion. I am afraid that nothing would replace it. Now I can sidestep to my Dad. Because here is the irony - he was very much a person to live on his nerves and I can recognise that I have the same traits and whilst I don't want the life he had, I also don't want to lose what few links I have with him, even if they are negative ones.
So how to deal with those similarities when, in order to survive, to carry on with the big mess that is living as opposed to choosing to die, I almost need to deny him completely - to see myself as a totally separate entity? I vacillate constantly in this aspect - he was my one and only father and no one will ever replace that and he is/was part of who I am. I grieve for him and want to keep him close... But he also almost destroyed me at 20 and has been responsible for the single most selfish and painful act you can inflict on a loved one. I wish him here, but I wish him other - different, not the person he was; the person who made me but does not define me.

You are not alone.

If you have lost a loved one to suicide, this may help you to realise that you are not alone. 
There are others out there who have been bereaved in this way. 
These are bits a pieces of my own experiences. 
I hope they may help in some way.