Long, slow, small goodbyes. Piece by piece your life deconstructed. Clothes washed of clean of your sweat and given to good causes, other items kept but the odour evaporates all the same. A long slow letting go - you loosen your grip on your pen, on your bicycle, on your garden which grows on without you regardless. Objects losing their voodoo potency, lawns going to seed, trees unpruned and so, so much bigger than you would believe now. You planted them, they bend in winds you cannot feel.
13 years on and the house I've known since childhood is being sold.
Time for more goodbyes. I wish I could take those trees with me. For some reason they give me comfort.
If you have lost someone to suicide or want to understand more about the fallout of a suicide, I hope that these personal experiences help in some way...
Friday, 18 May 2007
10. Ten Things about Anthony
Your favorite song was The Beatles' "I've Just Seen a Face"
You were there, but not there at the same time
You berated me for bullying my sister - when you bullied her far worse yourself
You loved to be behind the camera, so we have very few pictures of you
You are the only father I will ever have
You are the ink stain on my soul - I will never scrub you away
On holiday, you loved not having to shave - we called you Bluto
When you were young your hair was black as crows feathers
Your garden was your refuge
You break my heart
You were there, but not there at the same time
You berated me for bullying my sister - when you bullied her far worse yourself
You loved to be behind the camera, so we have very few pictures of you
You are the only father I will ever have
You are the ink stain on my soul - I will never scrub you away
On holiday, you loved not having to shave - we called you Bluto
When you were young your hair was black as crows feathers
Your garden was your refuge
You break my heart
Labels:
bereavement,
depression,
ess bee,
grief,
loss,
parental suicide,
suicide
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You are not alone.
If you have lost a loved one to suicide, this may help you to realise that you are not alone.
There are others out there who have been bereaved in this way.
These are bits a pieces of my own experiences.
I hope they may help in some way.